Thirty One

Coming to terms with yourself at age 30 is a challenging and eye-opening experience. Now, on the verge of 31 I am hoping for even more clarity and think that this may be the year that brings about a greater understanding of myself and others. For instance, I have finally accepted that I will never truly know my parents and they will never truly know me. We will continue to exist within the notion of who we think each other to be as the foundation of our relationship with one another - strange. Also, the elusive happiness that we once wished for so fervently in the form of a bigger apartment, nicer car, better clothes, etc. doesn't come to fruition when you attain these things leading one to believe that either a. there is no such thing as happiness, or b. that happiness is more elusive than acquiring stuff. I'll go with b. I'm about to turn 31 and realize that all the things that I thought would lead to my happiness are simply milestones that mark my consumption. Things that I never thought of in terms of my happiness, although always having been there, are coming to the forefront in new ways. I no longer will take the highest paying job to make my own self worth more tangible or accept a job that may enhance my social life and take me farther away from those that I truly love. It becomes a balancing act between acknowledging your shallow, immediate-gratification-loving side and nurturing the side that doesn't always get to be heard - the side that thinks of others first. I can't claim to have reached any sort of conclusion as to how this balancing act can be maintained but I feel like in my thirties I am getting closer to understanding the integral part this balance plays in all aspects of my life and my interactions with others. Wow. I used to think I was a fairly introspective person, but I am realizing that this introspection was done in terms of how I relate to other people, not really about me at all and not really about others. The things I notice now make my past decisions and judgments seem frivolous even though at the time they seemed to hold the weight of the world as I knew it. Will I see todays decisions in the same light in another ten or twenty years? Everyone has always told me that you only truly find clarity when you hit your thirties - what does that mean for the 40s and beyond? I hope that it means a continuation of self-introspection and growth, not a decline. This has been a totally self-serving little piece brought to you by the number 31.