Aaaaah, the Holidays.....

So, spent this thanksgiving in a frenzy of deep-fried turkeys and tofu casseroles, family, step-family, family-in-laws, pregnant women and neurotic dogs.

Had many the long discussion on my chances of getting to CO in one piece....seems there are some freak storm fronts riding in just about the time I am getting ready to roll out.

Going to pay a visit to dear old sis in the breathtakingly lovely and world-reknowned hotspot of Springfield, MO....maybe catch a show in Branson.....just as soon as I gouge out my eyes with a grapefruit spoon and stick a knitting needle through one ear and out the other. But haven't seen the sis in some time so that will be wunderbar....as they say in Scotland....haha.

I'm currently living in half-packed, half-unpacked squalor as I count down the days till my departure date, so I really don't have anything very clever to say....just chomping at the proverbial bit to git the hell outta Dodge.....

In other news, I am so looking forward to the conclusion of this year's ongoing Dork Award Contest....I think I am a shoe in unless the LOML pulls something big out at the last minute....After all, I am moving thousands of miles for a hope and a dream (and a really great pair of shoulders....and stuff and things......) . Can you say made-for-tv-movie?

So, this Thanksgiving/Celebration of the Unfortunate Start of the Genocide of a Peaceful People (as I fondly like to call it) I am thankful for friends, old and new, the LOML, family and other assorted loved ones.

Gobble Gobble b*tches!!! hahaha.

Catch you at Christmas, or Fat-man-sneaks-into-your-home-to 'spread joy and laughter' -to-your-small-children Day....quite pervy actually.

Northcackalacky....not just a state but a state of confusion.

While out running errands I happened to witness a horrible thing. I don't have much to write about it but this: A family of four dressed all in camo - not military, but hunting camo - jackets, complete with the neon orange lining, getting out of a jacked up bronco with rust damage and a primer rocker panel and one broken headlight. The woman had on tapered black acid washed jeans and some British Knights....I had no idea they even made those still, full fronts of what had to be amalgam and "the claw." The man was your average redneck, nothing outstanding, but the children....my god, the children....The little boy of about 10 had food all over his face, which wouldn't be too too bad, but we were no where near a restaurant or any place that sold food and if they had just eaten, they could have taken the approximately 3 seconds it would have required to hand the boy a napkin or wet nap or something....the little girl of about 6 had 3 of her maybe 9 total teeth filled for cavities. Is it me or is this sad?

Farewell is such sweet sweet sorrow....

They say that it takes approximately 2 years to get settled in a new environment. I suppose "they" are right. I am leaving in ten days to pursue the "rest of my life" and I am finding that I am surrounded by such lovely and amzing people that I am having second thoughts. Not about the LOML, but about my time here, like I feel like I have wasted so much time associating with people who were essentiaqlly time fillers and I am realizing upon my departure that I have known these wonderful, lovely, beautiful people all along and now I am missing the chance to get to know them.....but for all those mutha-fuckahs who know who the hell they are, ya'll better holla.....BEEEYATCHES! You know who the fuck I'm talking to. YEAH YOU!!!!!! Ask me anytime about my past lives. Memoirs Bitches, MEMOIRS!!!! BEST SELLERHolla atcha guuuuurl. I love you all. I will give you the shout out when I get settled. Please keep me in your thoughts cause you know you'll be in mine. LOVE YOU ALL. and yes, A, I will be your adopted child. I should be so lucky....keep up with PC, he needs lovins. I'm all choked up typin' this, so let me get back to the subject once I get settled...... I love you all. .

Bye-bye Puppy...

Okay, that experience was short-lived. The dog is antisocial, or rather, sociopathic....she now has a safe and loving 'forever' home with a lovely semi-retired woman who will pamper her and spoil her rotten. All is well and as it should be.

In other news, I am moving to be with the LOML. See ya NC, hello CO.
Catch ya on the flip side.

Teenie Tiny Dog.

I am afraid that I have officially become the most feared asian stereotype: crazy lady with small dog.

My friend's sister found and rescued a toy teacup chihuahua. She was driving down the road and thought she was going to hit a squirrel, realizing as she swerved that it was in fact a very very very small dog. She called A, my friend, and asked her to take it. The little thing is too too too cute so A of course said yes, but A's dog said a resounding no. So it came to pass that A asked me if I would like a teeny tiny dog. I told her I would come look at it (note: I am not a small dog fan. Typically, I think they are silly and neurotic, but hey, who am I to judge....) so I came over for wine and a viewing and fell quite hopelessly in love with the little rodent-looking ball of cuteness.

Now I am so asian it hurts.

Quick note about acoustics...

To all you street performers, aspiring musicians and such:
Outdoor alcoves are a fun place to sing, I know. They are very, uh, amplified. Please keep this in mind when you are screeching at the top of your lungs in what I can only call "crack-head-operatic-style" that there are people who actually aren't tone deaf and we don't like it when you try to impersonate Annie Lenox in front of our offices. Thank you.

Why I am going to hell:

For those of you who know me, this may seem like a no-brainer, but let me fill you in on something that happened recently.

Mental Picture:
Me driving home one lovely evening after enjoying a spectacular bottle of pinot noir with a good friend of mine. I am enjoying the burgandy glow of its effects while chatting on the phone with the LOML. I am rounding the bend on a lovely little tree-lined side street when suddenly, and to my absolute surprise, a cute little gray bunny leaps out from the brush by the side of the road and attempts to hop/scurry across the street. Yes, I said "attempts".....
To my shock and absolute horror I slam on my brakes and try to avert the inevitable disaster. Sadly, it is too late. RIP mister bunny.
I am screaming into the phone, "oh my gaaaawd!" to the bewildered LOML who, by the tone of my voice and the timbre of the screech, can only assume that I have been in a terrible, debilitating, horribly disfiguring automobile accident (he hates when I talk on the phone and drive....) You can imagine his relief when I tell him I have hit and killed a small woodland creature, so I can excuse his laughter and him jokingly calling me "bunny-killer", but I am still very rattled, nay, on the verge of actual tears as I replay the terrible instant that the bunny's eyes met mine in a frightened and bewildered query of bunny-speak "what the f*ck!!!????"

This was maybe a couple weeks ago. The next day I contemplate going back to get the bunny carcass and performing a rites-of-passage death ritual for the poor smooshed thing, but as I am a bit lazy I decide not to.

Oddly and disturbingly enough, since then I have been experiencing a recurring dream where I am standing across from a bunny (THE bunny?) and I am looking at it, it is looking at me and then it turns slowly and hops away.

Am I going crazy? Is this purely symbolic of some unresolved issue of repentance or forgiveness that I am harboring in my subconscious psyche? I hear "bunny killer!!!" echoing in my head.

So, in an effort to alleviate myself of these disturbing and macabre dreams I will do the following:
- I swear not to use my mobi while I am driving on that street again, as it may have hampered my reaction time.
- Clearly there should be a sign erected that says "bunny x-ing" or something so that in the future no more small fuzzy bunnies will be murdered by VW or any other vehicular means. I will see what I can do about that....
- I have also prepared a short poem:

Ode to Bunny, by L. Marie

OOOOOhhh mister furry bunny,
How I mourn thee,
Your fuzzy feet are apparently not so lucky,
After all.

Do you wanna puke now?

She quotes Robert Frost as an excuse to be confused, loves to ask questions about obscure things at random times and sleeps in a variety of monkey pants.

He reads about corporate corruption and the destruction of community, abhors golf, is always optimistic and makes the best bagel sandwiches EVER.

Her answer to him is always "Yes."
His answer to her is always "Forever."

(.....how 'bout now?)

Dating 101

Some helpful pointers compiled expressly for "that" guy - you know who you are - as related to me by my DD beeyatch, Miss S....

1. First dates do not involve the discussion of, the allusion to, or the actual dosing of girl with rufies.

2. "Will you suck my d*ck and then cook me dinner?" is not, NOT, romantic, nor in the least bit effective for anything other than the assurance of 1, if not 2, black eyes. (And no dinner....)

3. While amateur porn can be fun, please do not assume that every girl has secretly harbored the desire to be in your low-budget home porn film. While getting it on, lose the camera unless you are otherwise instructed not to.

4. Helping a girl move furniture does not and should not imply the getting of any sexual gratification on your part. Please do not stand by the door to the bedroom with an expectant look on your face after you have turned down the proffered beer for your troubles. The beer is all you get, really.

5. Do not say the following: "I don't usually date big girls."

Tune in next time for "Advanced Dating," MORON!

Brown liquor and why it is a good and a bad bad bad thing....

My favorite bar is closing its doors today forever....Naturally, this made an excellent reason to get Sh*t-faced this whole week. As the bar is shutting down, they haven't done a liquor order in a few weeks at least and the pickin's are getting slim....thus, I found myself drinking a variety of cocktails and shots that I wouldn't normally touch with someone else's tongue.

It all started with the Jack Daniels and went steadily downhill from there....Crown Royal, Jameson, Dewars....yes, I said DEWARS. ugh. Needless to say I found myself having too much fun in no time at all - Yay! Good times, good times...but then I found myself slipping....those of you who don't normally drink brown liquors know what I'm talking about. All of a sudden, hmmmm.....fun? Not so much. I started getting a little emo, committed the three mortal sins of drinking: talking, thinking, and driving - not necessarily in that order - and in short, let my ass just hang the f*ck out like a rookie drinker on LITs. I was the headliner on this week's episode of "When Drunk Girls Attack." And the worst part was that instead of drunk-dialing (which friends should never let friends do) my drunk dial was actually there, so that was like getting a live show....how fun it must have been for him! I hope we shall never speak of this again.....ever.

Anyway, I find myself wondering, along with J-Bean Wang and the incomparable B-Con, why, even with some of our finest liquid moments still lingering fresh on our alcohol-sodden minds, do we continue to think that this substance constitutes a good time? Am I daft? Have I lost it? Have I ever HAD 'it'? And why, why in the name of all that is unholy, holy, holey, wholely, or whatever, am I gonna do it again?

Let me remind you all of the definition of INSANITY: Doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result.

See you at the nuthouse....

Domestic Bliss, the Weight of Love, and Jade Ladybugs....

My first coherent thought of the morning usually goes something like this, "f*ck! What the f*ck, morning already?" - snooze button - snooze button - snooze button....etc.

It's strange but since TLOML is here, even getting up is a beautiful thing - and for me, who is sooooo not a morning person, that's huge. It means I'm awake and get to start another day with him. I even got to work EARLY.

Every day spent with someone you are newly beginning to care for more and more teaches you something about yourself and what you want your life to be like.

Thoughts of the day:
Creating the weight of the word "love".
Jade ladybugs and jet planes.
Does sex affect your equilibrium?